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How to Kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon

There will come a time in a man or woman’s life where he or she will have to kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon. I have instructed many in the art of eradicating one of these nuisances. Below are three simple instructions on how to kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon.

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Spot the Serpiente
The Serpiente is a trickster. It can hide under in many different places to avoid detection. It’s mere presence in crowded areas is generally frowned upon. It would send many into a rage should it expose itself around children. The snake is commonly found at night indoors under cotton canopies or pantalons (hence the name). Should one find himself or herself in an athletic environment, then the creature would be found under polyester or mesh/cotton. It’s height can range from as little as 2 inches to 10 inches. However, SIZE DOES NOT MATTER. Please note that the only way to eradicate a Serpiente is when it is in attack mode. Attack mode is indicated by it’s offensive stance which is erect and sometimes curved. Next, you must trap the serpent!

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Trapping the Serpiente
The Serpiente Del Pantalon relishes being in attack mode. When spotted, be prepared to clear the area of any canopies or tight fitting material. Sometimes there is bramble near the Serpiente. Please see the attached image in clearing the bramble. Use your non dominant hand to push away the excess bramble as you will need to attack the whole snake in order to eradicate it. In order to fully extinguish this heathen, you must use your remaining hand and mouth. It is imperative that you use your mouth as it will result in a swift death. Struggling with the serpiente by only using your hands is a dangerous game one should not play. Now! Onto to the kill!

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Killing a Serpiente
This process can take anywhere from minutes to hours. It all depends on your determination to slay the creature. Take the entire (if able) beast into your mouth to suffocate it. Lack of oxygen, suction and saliva are a serpiente’s worst nightmare. *Once in your mouth, use saliva from your mouth and tongue to coat the creature. AVOID TEETH! It is rare and strange that teeth should be used. Once the creature is coated with a thick layer of saliva, focus your mouth on the head. Whip your tongue onto the head of the serpent. It will throw it into disorientation. Introduce your dominant hand between the head and the base to strangle and shake the vagrant. You hand should make a back and forth motion gliding off the excess saliva. If saliva runs low, go back to the asterisk and repeat from there. You will know this is working as you will hear sounds in the close distance rejoicing in the death of the Serpiente Del Pantalon. Before the death of the varmint, it will release it’s life force. Some drink the life force of the Serpiente Del Pantalon. I highly recommend it as murdering a Serpiente is a joy to be celebrated.

Animation by Joe Klein

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