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The Dark Side of Fried Pickles

pickle-spearsThe Midwest has plenty of hidden gems. However, it is not in the terrain, it is in its people. The people and the lives they lead are its jewels. However, I saw something during my standup tour that I think needed addressing. It a love for this singular thing (which consists of many of them) that troubles me deeply. It is an atrocity that plagues the Midwest and I believe it should be eradicated in its entirety. They are Fried Pickle Spears. 

A little background about Fried Pickles. They come in only TWO forms. Fried Pickle Chips or Fried Pickle Spears. Fried Pickle Chips are pickles sliced (ideally) into 2 millimeter thin rounds and fried after being put into a batter to create the perfect balance of pickle and batter. They are ideal for single dunks in a variety of sauces. No double dips and no slippage.

Fried Pickle Spears are whole pickles lazily sliced twice and thrown into batter to be fried to create this unholy monstrosity. It is an absurd amount of pickle to batter ratio; so much so that one bite results in the pickle sliding out of the batter casing and sitting on your plate like an old pickle kept in the rectum of a man who enjoys hot pickles. To those who say, “but I love Fried Pickle Spears!” I say, “Please go kill yourself.”

You want a hot messy pickle experience? Microwave a whole pickle till it explodes and eat out the chunks like the savage that you are. 

The mere thought of a Fried Pickle Spear disgusts me. Anyone who enjoys these devil fingers probably falls into one or more of these categories: 

  • People who use their phones during movies and keep the brightness on full blast.
  • People who cut people off when driving alone but claim they don’t. 
  • People who pay for their portion of the meal but ALWAYS forget the tax. 
  • Men who pee in women’s restrooms but don’t put the seat up and down.
  • Owner’s of pit-bulls who perpetuate the stereotype. 
  • People who love focusing on “all the good Hitler did.” 
  • Women who flush tampons knowing damn well they shouldn’t.
  • People who see money drop from someone’s pocket but don’t say anything.
  • Every one involved in the housing collapse. 
  • Rapists, definitely. 
  • People who spit on the ground while visiting cemeteries.
  • Anyone who overheard Kitty Genovese dying.

So BEWARE of people who love Fried Pickle Spears. They may claim to be a regular person but in all seriousness, they are hiding a deep secret nastier than their disgusting love for Fried Pickle Spears. 

Photo by Joe Klein

UPDATE* – My girlfriend told me she likes Fried Pickle Spears. I have to rethink everything about her. 

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