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A note on the South

So I was in Charleston, SC and I passed by this street. This picture sums up the south and it’s history to me. Maybe this street had the best ropemakers in all the land but you know… some of that rope HAD to be used for hanging black people. 

Is this shit worth holding on to? You have a culture so rich and deep with experience but then you see this. Let’s say they weren’t responsible for any of the rope made for lynching, isn’t that worth bragging about? 

Come walk down Ropemaker’s Lane! Where NONE of our ropes have ever been near black people. 

That’s the thing though. You can have it all. You can celebrate the music, food, fashion, etc with a little consideration. It isn’t that hard. And Lynchburg, TN- change your name. It’s still tacky as hell. 

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Man Figures out the PERFECT Wedding!

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The perfect wedding? Sounds almost nuts. How can someone never married even begin to write an article in staging someone’s perfect day? Easy, I’ve been to countless weddings as a victim of circumstance. After watching family members get hitched, my older brother’s friends tie the knot and my own friends take the plunge, you learn a few things. Here are my notes:

Let’s begin by getting rid of that old bullshit that this special day is for one person (usually the person who wanted it more) A wedding should be looked at as a show you are putting on for your friends and family.  Your significant other can be the star but he or she must acknowledge that the wedding is the show and it must go on despite it’s setbacks.

Once you do that, follow these simple steps and you can be attending a wedding of everyone’s dreams. 

God Awful Songs: 

Couples ready to marry often provide a list of music to be played. Sometimes, they can even afford a band to play said songs. If you are too broke to afford a band, tell the DJ to avoid these songs:

Lyric: “this woman is my destiny, Shut up and Dance with me” – that band I didn’t even bother looking up but you know what song I’m talking about. If you don’t, google it and I’m sorry. That song sucks. 

Lyric: Masel Tov, La heim – by the Black Eyed  Peas. That is definitely not the song’s name but it might as well be because Jews love to play it at every Bar/Bat Mitzvah. That song stinks to high heaven.

Electric Slide – that song stinks. It comes with a dance that everyone should know? This isn’t She’s All That and the DJ sure as shit isn’t Usher. Also, that reference is also old so don’t think hypocrisy isn’t everywhere. Absolute trash song.

Anything from the 50s-70s. Even if you’re a fan of music from that decade, it’s inexcusable to annoy your guests. This is a day of celebration, not a listening session in your room. 

Leave Your Diet Out the Wedding!

Nothing worse than attending a wedding where the bride and groom’s lifestyle permeate nay.. stink up a wedding. You’re a vegan? Offer vegan OPTIONS. Don’t make the guests eat leaves and almond milk. Every wedding should celebrate love by eating something our waist will hate. Holding your guests hostage at your wedding to eat grass may just be as cruel as the animals being killed to be turned into appetizers but these people took the time out of their day to celebrate your stupid love, something they would never do otherwise. Don’t make them suffer for it. 

Lame Traditions

So many traditions have become standard in  weddings from all backgrounds. The ones that have made it to the top are the daddy daughter dance and speeches. 

The bride and father of the bride dance: 

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BRIDE DANCE WITH HER DAD. It’s weird and boring. You got some old man dancing with his daughter like she’s 7. She’s a grown ass woman and he’s an even more grown ass man. Every daddy daughter dance reminds of when you see gold diggers with their reptile looking husbands. Guuuuuuhhhhhhrrossss. 

Speeches:

This is one part of any wedding I almost look forward to because of its potential to be terrible. Nothing greater than listening to someone bomb at a wedding. It is puzzling why weddings are the one time where we allow family and friends to have a vocal opinion. If you’re going to let someone speak, it should be the person funding the wedding. He or She should be allowed to talk because they earned it by giving you, your dumb family, and friends a place to blow his or her money. If you decide to let someone who didn’t fund the wedding talk, make sure they are prepared. Prepared means having something somewhat memorized and ready to speak into a microphone. You have to keep in mind the person speaking is part of the show. If they stink, people talk. If they are hopeless, I will help them for $50. $100 if we have to meet in person. I have helped countless best man speeches go from shit to absolutely unforgettable. Hit me in the contacts

The Ceremony

Nope. Go to City Hall on a Tuesday and do that shit with the rest of the weirdos who want to get married. 

There you have it. Follow my advice and you should be good to go. Leave a comment to let me know how wrong or right I may be on all of this.

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How to Talk to an Artist in 3 EASY Steps?

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This title intrigued you because you are probably an artist looking for something to share that a relative can read that will help them talk to you with all your sensibilities. Look no further (and read no further) because this article is for them. Send it to your Aunt Cheryl’s Facebook wall. Email it to your step-dad, Karl. Tweet it to your little cousin, Jermaine. 

I even implore you to email ALL your podcast listeners. I got you.

PLAY UP (belittle) an Artist’s side jobs

Most artists have to work side jobs to afford their dreams. That is dumb because if they were good at what they did, they wouldn’t need a side job. Anyway, it’s pretty funny that sometimes they will be on stage in front of a bunch of people and then they have to go work at a deli to spoon chicken salad into plastic bowls for teenage girls. If you know an artist with a side job, be sure to ask them about that as the first thing you say to them. Be sure to add an appropriate amount of snark. Here is a little play for that scenario:

So Cory, still (insert unrespectable job like: waiting tables, walking dogs, nursing, moving furniture, nannying)? OOF.

Cory: *starts crying and saves us time by NOT talking*

NEVER Learn the Lingo

Artists love when you don’t use the right lingo for their work. Comedians call a collection of their jokes a “set” but feel free to use the term “skits.” If an artist paints, call them “drawings.” If a sculptor sculpts, call them “lego buildings.” Most artists don’t make much money so feel free to remind them that your taxes are higher than their earnings. Be sure to throw the word “little” before referring to anything they are doing. Examples includes:

  • I saw your “little” commercial. 
  • I heard your “little” song on the radio but I wasn’t pay much attention.
  • I can’t believe you live off such little “little” money. 

Artists LOVE Criticism

The problem with artists today is that NOT enough people are telling them what to do with their lives. You can change that! Tell them what they are doing wrong with their work. You haven’t even see their work? EVEN BETTER!

Compare artists to highly successful people. Know someone who paints? Compare them to Vincent van Gogh (pronounced Cough with a G) Know someone who sculpts? Sculptors should be compared to the scene in Ghost. Comedians should be compared to another comedian that is wildly successful. However, do it by race to add that extra knife twist. Know a white comic? Compare them to Louis CK. Know an indian comic? Compare them to Russell Peters. Know a black comic? Compare them to Aziz Ansari. Hell, you can even compare them to a funny video of a dog being unable to catch a ball in it’s mouth. Same difference. 

You don’t have to respect anybody. It’s your freedom as an American to treat people based on your mood for that day. If any of these weirdos have a response, tell them you’re comfortable calling their parents and telling them that their little artist is spending most of the money they are receiving on drugs. It doesn’t even have to be true but that should shut them up and get them back to filling up people’s waters or bagging dog poop. 

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The Dark Side of Fried Pickles

pickle-spearsThe Midwest has plenty of hidden gems. However, it is not in the terrain, it is in its people. The people and the lives they lead are its jewels. However, I saw something during my standup tour that I think needed addressing. It a love for this singular thing (which consists of many of them) that troubles me deeply. It is an atrocity that plagues the Midwest and I believe it should be eradicated in its entirety. They are Fried Pickle Spears. 

A little background about Fried Pickles. They come in only TWO forms. Fried Pickle Chips or Fried Pickle Spears. Fried Pickle Chips are pickles sliced (ideally) into 2 millimeter thin rounds and fried after being put into a batter to create the perfect balance of pickle and batter. They are ideal for single dunks in a variety of sauces. No double dips and no slippage.

Fried Pickle Spears are whole pickles lazily sliced twice and thrown into batter to be fried to create this unholy monstrosity. It is an absurd amount of pickle to batter ratio; so much so that one bite results in the pickle sliding out of the batter casing and sitting on your plate like an old pickle kept in the rectum of a man who enjoys hot pickles. To those who say, “but I love Fried Pickle Spears!” I say, “Please go kill yourself.”

You want a hot messy pickle experience? Microwave a whole pickle till it explodes and eat out the chunks like the savage that you are. 

The mere thought of a Fried Pickle Spear disgusts me. Anyone who enjoys these devil fingers probably falls into one or more of these categories: 

  • People who use their phones during movies and keep the brightness on full blast.
  • People who cut people off when driving alone but claim they don’t. 
  • People who pay for their portion of the meal but ALWAYS forget the tax. 
  • Men who pee in women’s restrooms but don’t put the seat up and down.
  • Owner’s of pit-bulls who perpetuate the stereotype. 
  • People who love focusing on “all the good Hitler did.” 
  • Women who flush tampons knowing damn well they shouldn’t.
  • People who see money drop from someone’s pocket but don’t say anything.
  • Every one involved in the housing collapse. 
  • Rapists, definitely. 
  • People who spit on the ground while visiting cemeteries.
  • Anyone who overheard Kitty Genovese dying.

So BEWARE of people who love Fried Pickle Spears. They may claim to be a regular person but in all seriousness, they are hiding a deep secret nastier than their disgusting love for Fried Pickle Spears. 

Photo by Joe Klein

UPDATE* – My girlfriend told me she likes Fried Pickle Spears. I have to rethink everything about her. 

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How to Kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon

There will come a time in a man or woman’s life where he or she will have to kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon. I have instructed many in the art of eradicating one of these nuisances. Below are three simple instructions on how to kill a Serpiente Del Pantalon.

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Spot the Serpiente
The Serpiente is a trickster. It can hide under in many different places to avoid detection. It’s mere presence in crowded areas is generally frowned upon. It would send many into a rage should it expose itself around children. The snake is commonly found at night indoors under cotton canopies or pantalons (hence the name). Should one find himself or herself in an athletic environment, then the creature would be found under polyester or mesh/cotton. It’s height can range from as little as 2 inches to 10 inches. However, SIZE DOES NOT MATTER. Please note that the only way to eradicate a Serpiente is when it is in attack mode. Attack mode is indicated by it’s offensive stance which is erect and sometimes curved. Next, you must trap the serpent!

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Trapping the Serpiente
The Serpiente Del Pantalon relishes being in attack mode. When spotted, be prepared to clear the area of any canopies or tight fitting material. Sometimes there is bramble near the Serpiente. Please see the attached image in clearing the bramble. Use your non dominant hand to push away the excess bramble as you will need to attack the whole snake in order to eradicate it. In order to fully extinguish this heathen, you must use your remaining hand and mouth. It is imperative that you use your mouth as it will result in a swift death. Struggling with the serpiente by only using your hands is a dangerous game one should not play. Now! Onto to the kill!

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Killing a Serpiente
This process can take anywhere from minutes to hours. It all depends on your determination to slay the creature. Take the entire (if able) beast into your mouth to suffocate it. Lack of oxygen, suction and saliva are a serpiente’s worst nightmare. *Once in your mouth, use saliva from your mouth and tongue to coat the creature. AVOID TEETH! It is rare and strange that teeth should be used. Once the creature is coated with a thick layer of saliva, focus your mouth on the head. Whip your tongue onto the head of the serpent. It will throw it into disorientation. Introduce your dominant hand between the head and the base to strangle and shake the vagrant. You hand should make a back and forth motion gliding off the excess saliva. If saliva runs low, go back to the asterisk and repeat from there. You will know this is working as you will hear sounds in the close distance rejoicing in the death of the Serpiente Del Pantalon. Before the death of the varmint, it will release it’s life force. Some drink the life force of the Serpiente Del Pantalon. I highly recommend it as murdering a Serpiente is a joy to be celebrated.

Animation by Joe Klein

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Does Oil Pulling Work?

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So they say if you swish a tablespoon of oil (sesame or coconut) in your mouth for 15-20 minutes a day, you will see a ton of health benefits. They call it Oil Pulling. I wanted to see what this Oil Pulling was all about. Would I become a superhero as a result of it? I decided I would try it for 30 days and document the changes I would go through.

The Challenge:

Swish oil in my mouth for 15-20 minutes a day. I chose coconut oil.

Initial Thoughts (and important info): The jar looked absolutely menacing. The consistency of oil in your mouth is disgusting. Also, it turns out I hate really hate coconut… and trying old school new age ideas. I’m supposed to swish this in my mouth for 15-20 minutes? 15 minutes it is. 

As you continue to swish this, it is more manageable because saliva gets mixed in and you feel like you are swishing water as opposed to oil. I have to start reading or something because wandering around my apartment with oil in my mouth only makes me think about how I’m wandering around with oil in my mouth.

I got through 15 minutes and spat this in the toilet (because you don’t want to clog your sink as I was told). It looks like I took a massive cum load in my mouth. I took a picture of my teeth and they don’t look any brighter. I can’t fly or shoot fireballs. One thing is for sure, my patience is terrible

Days 1 – 30

Beginning Expectations (day 1-7)

The only thing I have to show for this is a small sense of superiority I feel I have over other people because I decided I would gargle oil for 15-20 minutes and spout hearsay as gospel that I read on the internet. Another day, another tablespoon I suppose.

If I don’t get the ability to lift and throw cars, I might have to quit. KC smash bottle of coconut oil into garbage? More to come…. like a potential gym memberships and smarter food choices.

Quitter of Oil Pulling (around day 7)

The oil tasted terrible this morning. My girlfriend tried oil pulling and she clocked out at after six days. I can understand. Who wakes up and actively starts the day swishing oil? It’s insanity. I promised myself I would do this for 30 days so I am going to stick it out. At this point, I started to believe maybe my teeth were getting whiter.

Western Medicine and Oil Pulling (around day 14)

I know doctors have a skewed perspective to believe that conventional medicine is the only cure and when something alternative starts to work, they can also hide behind the placebo effect. Maybe my doctor is right? I have to see this through myself. As I stated before, this might also be because of my lack of patience. I grew up in the “gotta have it now” mentality. It is a product of being from NEW YAWK FUCKIN CITY BRO! My teeth have NOT improved overall in color. I believe my skin looks clearer.

A look into the past with Oil Pulling (around day 20)

If this was an ancient healing method, it makes sense why it was long forgotten. Here is a little screenplay I wrote about oil pulling.

Guy 1: Dude we have to oil pull today.

Guy 2: Nah man, that shit is gross.

Guy 1: Think about the health benefits?

Guy 2: I’m just gonna play this one out…

Guy 1: True, that shit is nasty.

*Both die of dysentery* I’m definitely losing my mind doing this. My skin does not look any clearer.

Oil Pulling After Eating (around day 25)

I swished oil in my mouth after eating two meals. I do not recommend it. It is extremely disgusting. I can only assume since my taste buds are more open, I can feel the oil more.

The Results (end of day 30)

Did it improve my allergies? Nope.

Did it improve my overall health? Nope.

Did my teeth get whiter? Nope.

The only improvement I could say is that I felt my mouth felt fresher. I can attribute that to the fact that I swished something in my mouth for 20 minutes. As for my skin and teeth looking better on some days as opposed to others, I believe there are too many factors that influence how they appear on certain days.

Overall: Not Worth Your Time! Also, what the hell am I going to do with this terrifying jar of coconut oil? We live in 2014. You want whiter teeth, go to a dentist. You want to be healthy, do the work. There are no shortcuts to health.

What 30 Days of Oil Pulling Did for Me?

Jack Shit.

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List of Festivals

So I composed a list of stand up comedy festivals across the globe. It’s pretty current but I will update it from time to time. When I created it, it was to use for my own personal use but I think that making people laugh is universal so it’s available to all comedians.

Wanna say thanks? Drop me a follow via twitter:

@KCGotIdeas

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