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Five Rules of Dog Ownership

This is Bruce!

Last July, my girlfriend and I got a dog from the local shelter. He was brought in from a kill shelter in Texas. Kill shelter sounds sadly contradictory. It’s like they are saying, “we got you… but don’t get too comfortable.” Anyway, the non-kill shelter got him out and we took him in. It has been almost a year since we got him and I learned a few things that I thought were worth sharing:

DO NOT COMPARE YOUR DOG TO A CHILD

I love our dog but he is nowhere near the bond between a parent and a child. Kids are birthed (some act like they were hatched) We essentially bought our dog. That also means that a dog is NOT comparable to an adopted child. Try to watch a parent talking to someone comparing a dog to having a child. Watch his or her face glaze over with pinch of disdain. You can abandon a dog. You cannot abandon a child. I mean you can, but Johnny Law does not look too kindly on it. Even though abandoned children do incredible things (Moses, Jesus, Steve Jobs) Either way, stop it.

BE AWARE THAT YOUR DOG WILL EAT YOU

It is so easy to believe that your dog loves you for you. That is not totally the case. Also, this is not a Blessed Union of Souls one hit wonder. Nobody will get that deep cut reference and I will be content with it. Your dog loves you because you feed it. If you were to die in your apartment with your dog, s/he will eat you when the time comes. It will be a while before they do but it will happen. Take solace in knowing, you will taste better than dog food.

YOU MUST SERVE YOUR PET

Nobody should own a pet if they have a full time job and cannot provide full time care. My mom wanted to get a dog while working full time but she lives alone and the dog would spend a lot of time by itself. You may like your home but if there isn’t activities for your pet, it can feel like a prison. Imagine if your apartment did not have a TV or the internet. Could you sit there and do nothing? Exactly.

BE THE LEADER OF THE PACK

Famed dog whisperer Cesar Millan’s constant catchphrase “you must be leader of the pack” is a real thing. My girlfriend feels that we are both the alphas but I know my dog knows different. As a result, he prefers her company more and I am okay with that. I would prefer that he acted proper with me but cuts loose with her. Discipline is what prevents your dog from acting up. I have so many friends whose dogs act like idiots. I hope they read this and ask me, “was that about me?”

ACCEPT THE DOG IS LOVED MORE

There was this viral video where some guy was asking people if they would sell their dog. No one said yes. Not one. It was hilarious. If my girlfriend had to save me or the dog, I know she would choose me. However, I would never hear the end of it about the dog that I would have preferred she chose the dog. Also, she would be pissed I got us into that situation. Accept you are second place. It is fine. As a result,  you won’t be jealous when she gets back from Miami and wants to hold the dog instead of you (or whatever) Also, I am pretty sure my friends like my dog more than me. That part really stings.

These rules make pet ownership more realistic and as a result, you develop a better relationship with your pet. Your partner may also like you more.Did I miss anything? Leave a comment to tell me you read this.

 

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Man Figures out the PERFECT Wedding!

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The perfect wedding? Sounds almost nuts. How can someone never married even begin to write an article in staging someone’s perfect day? Easy, I’ve been to countless weddings as a victim of circumstance. After watching family members get hitched, my older brother’s friends tie the knot and my own friends take the plunge, you learn a few things. Here are my notes:

Let’s begin by getting rid of that old bullshit that this special day is for one person (usually the person who wanted it more) A wedding should be looked at as a show you are putting on for your friends and family.  Your significant other can be the star but he or she must acknowledge that the wedding is the show and it must go on despite it’s setbacks.

Once you do that, follow these simple steps and you can be attending a wedding of everyone’s dreams. 

God Awful Songs: 

Couples ready to marry often provide a list of music to be played. Sometimes, they can even afford a band to play said songs. If you are too broke to afford a band, tell the DJ to avoid these songs:

Lyric: “this woman is my destiny, Shut up and Dance with me” – that band I didn’t even bother looking up but you know what song I’m talking about. If you don’t, google it and I’m sorry. That song sucks. 

Lyric: Masel Tov, La heim – by the Black Eyed  Peas. That is definitely not the song’s name but it might as well be because Jews love to play it at every Bar/Bat Mitzvah. That song stinks to high heaven.

Electric Slide – that song stinks. It comes with a dance that everyone should know? This isn’t She’s All That and the DJ sure as shit isn’t Usher. Also, that reference is also old so don’t think hypocrisy isn’t everywhere. Absolute trash song.

Anything from the 50s-70s. Even if you’re a fan of music from that decade, it’s inexcusable to annoy your guests. This is a day of celebration, not a listening session in your room. 

Leave Your Diet Out the Wedding!

Nothing worse than attending a wedding where the bride and groom’s lifestyle permeate nay.. stink up a wedding. You’re a vegan? Offer vegan OPTIONS. Don’t make the guests eat leaves and almond milk. Every wedding should celebrate love by eating something our waist will hate. Holding your guests hostage at your wedding to eat grass may just be as cruel as the animals being killed to be turned into appetizers but these people took the time out of their day to celebrate your stupid love, something they would never do otherwise. Don’t make them suffer for it. 

Lame Traditions

So many traditions have become standard in  weddings from all backgrounds. The ones that have made it to the top are the daddy daughter dance and speeches. 

The bride and father of the bride dance: 

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BRIDE DANCE WITH HER DAD. It’s weird and boring. You got some old man dancing with his daughter like she’s 7. She’s a grown ass woman and he’s an even more grown ass man. Every daddy daughter dance reminds of when you see gold diggers with their reptile looking husbands. Guuuuuuhhhhhhrrossss. 

Speeches:

This is one part of any wedding I almost look forward to because of its potential to be terrible. Nothing greater than listening to someone bomb at a wedding. It is puzzling why weddings are the one time where we allow family and friends to have a vocal opinion. If you’re going to let someone speak, it should be the person funding the wedding. He or She should be allowed to talk because they earned it by giving you, your dumb family, and friends a place to blow his or her money. If you decide to let someone who didn’t fund the wedding talk, make sure they are prepared. Prepared means having something somewhat memorized and ready to speak into a microphone. You have to keep in mind the person speaking is part of the show. If they stink, people talk. If they are hopeless, I will help them for $50. $100 if we have to meet in person. I have helped countless best man speeches go from shit to absolutely unforgettable. Hit me in the contacts

The Ceremony

Nope. Go to City Hall on a Tuesday and do that shit with the rest of the weirdos who want to get married. 

There you have it. Follow my advice and you should be good to go. Leave a comment to let me know how wrong or right I may be on all of this.

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How to Talk to an Artist in 3 EASY Steps?

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This title intrigued you because you are probably an artist looking for something to share that a relative can read that will help them talk to you with all your sensibilities. Look no further (and read no further) because this article is for them. Send it to your Aunt Cheryl’s Facebook wall. Email it to your step-dad, Karl. Tweet it to your little cousin, Jermaine. 

I even implore you to email ALL your podcast listeners. I got you.

PLAY UP (belittle) an Artist’s side jobs

Most artists have to work side jobs to afford their dreams. That is dumb because if they were good at what they did, they wouldn’t need a side job. Anyway, it’s pretty funny that sometimes they will be on stage in front of a bunch of people and then they have to go work at a deli to spoon chicken salad into plastic bowls for teenage girls. If you know an artist with a side job, be sure to ask them about that as the first thing you say to them. Be sure to add an appropriate amount of snark. Here is a little play for that scenario:

So Cory, still (insert unrespectable job like: waiting tables, walking dogs, nursing, moving furniture, nannying)? OOF.

Cory: *starts crying and saves us time by NOT talking*

NEVER Learn the Lingo

Artists love when you don’t use the right lingo for their work. Comedians call a collection of their jokes a “set” but feel free to use the term “skits.” If an artist paints, call them “drawings.” If a sculptor sculpts, call them “lego buildings.” Most artists don’t make much money so feel free to remind them that your taxes are higher than their earnings. Be sure to throw the word “little” before referring to anything they are doing. Examples includes:

  • I saw your “little” commercial. 
  • I heard your “little” song on the radio but I wasn’t pay much attention.
  • I can’t believe you live off such little “little” money. 

Artists LOVE Criticism

The problem with artists today is that NOT enough people are telling them what to do with their lives. You can change that! Tell them what they are doing wrong with their work. You haven’t even see their work? EVEN BETTER!

Compare artists to highly successful people. Know someone who paints? Compare them to Vincent van Gogh (pronounced Cough with a G) Know someone who sculpts? Sculptors should be compared to the scene in Ghost. Comedians should be compared to another comedian that is wildly successful. However, do it by race to add that extra knife twist. Know a white comic? Compare them to Louis CK. Know an indian comic? Compare them to Russell Peters. Know a black comic? Compare them to Aziz Ansari. Hell, you can even compare them to a funny video of a dog being unable to catch a ball in it’s mouth. Same difference. 

You don’t have to respect anybody. It’s your freedom as an American to treat people based on your mood for that day. If any of these weirdos have a response, tell them you’re comfortable calling their parents and telling them that their little artist is spending most of the money they are receiving on drugs. It doesn’t even have to be true but that should shut them up and get them back to filling up people’s waters or bagging dog poop. 

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The Dark Side of Fried Pickles

pickle-spearsThe Midwest has plenty of hidden gems. However, it is not in the terrain, it is in its people. The people and the lives they lead are its jewels. However, I saw something during my standup tour that I think needed addressing. It a love for this singular thing (which consists of many of them) that troubles me deeply. It is an atrocity that plagues the Midwest and I believe it should be eradicated in its entirety. They are Fried Pickle Spears. 

A little background about Fried Pickles. They come in only TWO forms. Fried Pickle Chips or Fried Pickle Spears. Fried Pickle Chips are pickles sliced (ideally) into 2 millimeter thin rounds and fried after being put into a batter to create the perfect balance of pickle and batter. They are ideal for single dunks in a variety of sauces. No double dips and no slippage.

Fried Pickle Spears are whole pickles lazily sliced twice and thrown into batter to be fried to create this unholy monstrosity. It is an absurd amount of pickle to batter ratio; so much so that one bite results in the pickle sliding out of the batter casing and sitting on your plate like an old pickle kept in the rectum of a man who enjoys hot pickles. To those who say, “but I love Fried Pickle Spears!” I say, “Please be better.”

You want a hot messy pickle experience? Microwave a whole pickle till it explodes and eat out the chunks like the savage that you are. 

The mere thought of a Fried Pickle Spear disgusts me. Anyone who enjoys these devil fingers probably falls into one or more of these categories: 

  • People who use their phones during movies and keep the brightness on full blast.
  • People who cut people off when driving alone but claim they would never.
  • People who pay for their portion of the meal but ALWAYS forget the tax. 
  • Men who pee in women’s restrooms but don’t put the seat up then down.
  • Owner’s of pit-bulls who perpetuate the stereotype. 
  • People who love focusing on “all the good Hitler did.” 
  • Women who flush tampons knowing damn well they should not.
  • People who see money drop from someone’s pocket but keep it.
  • Every one involved in the housing collapse. 
  • Rapists, definitely. 
  • People who spit on the ground while visiting cemeteries.
  • Anyone who overheard Kitty Genovese dying.

So BEWARE of people who love Fried Pickle Spears. They may claim to be a regular person but in all seriousness, they are hiding a deep secret nastier than their disgusting love for Fried Pickle Spears. 

Photo by Joe Klein

UPDATE* – My girlfriend told me she likes Fried Pickle Spears. I have to rethink everything about her. 

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Does Oil Pulling Work?

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So they say if you swish a tablespoon of oil (sesame or coconut) in your mouth for 15-20 minutes a day, you will see a ton of health benefits. They call it Oil Pulling. I wanted to see what this Oil Pulling was all about. Would I become a superhero as a result of it? I decided I would try it for 30 days and document the changes I would go through.

The Challenge:

Swish oil in my mouth for 15-20 minutes a day. I chose coconut oil.

Initial Thoughts (and important info): The jar looked absolutely menacing. The consistency of oil in your mouth is disgusting. Also, it turns out I hate really hate coconut… and trying old school new age ideas. I’m supposed to swish this in my mouth for 15-20 minutes? 15 minutes it is. 

As you continue to swish this, it is more manageable because saliva gets mixed in and you feel like you are swishing water as opposed to oil. I have to start reading or something because wandering around my apartment with oil in my mouth only makes me think about how I’m wandering around with oil in my mouth.

I got through 15 minutes and spat this in the toilet (because you don’t want to clog your sink as I was told). It looks like I took a massive cum load in my mouth. I took a picture of my teeth and they don’t look any brighter. I can’t fly or shoot fireballs. One thing is for sure, my patience is terrible

Days 1 – 30

Beginning Expectations (day 1-7)

The only thing I have to show for this is a small sense of superiority I feel I have over other people because I decided I would gargle oil for 15-20 minutes and spout hearsay as gospel that I read on the internet. Another day, another tablespoon I suppose.

If I don’t get the ability to lift and throw cars, I might have to quit. KC smash bottle of coconut oil into garbage? More to come…. like a potential gym memberships and smarter food choices.

Quitter of Oil Pulling (around day 7)

The oil tasted terrible this morning. My girlfriend tried oil pulling and she clocked out at after six days. I can understand. Who wakes up and actively starts the day swishing oil? It’s insanity. I promised myself I would do this for 30 days so I am going to stick it out. At this point, I started to believe maybe my teeth were getting whiter.

Western Medicine and Oil Pulling (around day 14)

I know doctors have a skewed perspective to believe that conventional medicine is the only cure and when something alternative starts to work, they can also hide behind the placebo effect. Maybe my doctor is right? I have to see this through myself. As I stated before, this might also be because of my lack of patience. I grew up in the “gotta have it now” mentality. It is a product of being from NEW YAWK FUCKIN CITY BRO! My teeth have NOT improved overall in color. I believe my skin looks clearer.

A look into the past with Oil Pulling (around day 20)

If this was an ancient healing method, it makes sense why it was long forgotten. Here is a little screenplay I wrote about oil pulling.

Guy 1: Dude we have to oil pull today.

Guy 2: Nah man, that shit is gross.

Guy 1: Think about the health benefits?

Guy 2: I’m just gonna play this one out…

Guy 1: True, that shit is nasty.

*Both die of dysentery* I’m definitely losing my mind doing this. My skin does not look any clearer.

Oil Pulling After Eating (around day 25)

I swished oil in my mouth after eating two meals. I do not recommend it. It is extremely disgusting. I can only assume since my taste buds are more open, I can feel the oil more.

The Results (end of day 30)

Did it improve my allergies? Nope.

Did it improve my overall health? Nope.

Did my teeth get whiter? Nope.

The only improvement I could say is that I felt my mouth felt fresher. I can attribute that to the fact that I swished something in my mouth for 20 minutes. As for my skin and teeth looking better on some days as opposed to others, I believe there are too many factors that influence how they appear on certain days.

Overall: Not Worth Your Time! Also, what the hell am I going to do with this terrifying jar of coconut oil? We live in 2014. You want whiter teeth, go to a dentist. You want to be healthy, do the work. There are no shortcuts to health.

What 30 Days of Oil Pulling Did for Me?

Jack Shit.

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